he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
