You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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