i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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