how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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