This dress was meant to end up on your floor
this boner is exhausting
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
