i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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