God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
zippers are such a cool invention
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
