woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
