Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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