why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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