She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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