3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
