At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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