Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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