I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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