i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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