i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
