Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
