my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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