The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
