I faked an abortion last night.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
