Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my being single is dangerous.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
