Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
