Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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