It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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