My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
