I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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