i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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