the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
