now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
