what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
