Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Congratulations! We have a period
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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