I cannot find my penis.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize