I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
