What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize