I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
