I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
