Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
