what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
