She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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