I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
