just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize