Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize