i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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