i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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