You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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