Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
