We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
