Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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