i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
