Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
