This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
