Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
