You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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