You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
