Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
