You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
