Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
